http://thenewforty.areavoices.com/2010/07/12/cougar-101/
A warning to my more sensitive readers, this blog addresses items that may be considered risque to some. In an effort not to offend your sensibilities I ask that you stop reading now if you are uncomfortable with the topic of older women dating younger men as I plan to address the topic herein with candor.
** Note that everything I address below applies to consenting adults – preferably those who are 21 or older.**
Okay – so here’s the thing – the topic of cougars has been on mind as of late. I think there are some misconceptions about this whole older woman/younger man thing that has resulted in the cougar label and I think it is time for a bit of a primer on cougars.
Let me start with a few qualifying statements and then I think I should give some general advice to both the older women and the younger men who believe they would like to explore this relationship phenomenon in greater depth. First of all, let me define "cougar" for my purposes herein. You will see various things written about this supposed new phenomenon (hello…ever heard of Mrs. Robinson?). Some will tell you that the label is ascribed only to women who are over 40 who date younger men and others will tell you it is ascribed based on the extent of the age difference.
If you are one of my long time readers you may recall that I visited this topic back in August of 2009 in a blog entitled Coo, coo, ca-choo, Mrs. Robinson. In that blog I questioned whether my student who was dating a girl a few years older than him was dating what he termed "a cougar". Here is the rule of thumb I provided then with a bit of additional clarification:
"Cougars are typically over 35 and date men eight or more years younger than them. There are also other descriptors such as the half your age plus seven rule." Clarification is required here for women in the new forty – if you are an old-school cougar that has historically dated men with a 15-20 year age difference, men within their 40s do not represent cougar activity – that is aging up appropriately. Now if you are 60 and dating a 40 year old man – rock on cougarette!
So, if you are 30 and dating a 20 year old – sorry – you can’t use the label. It is not meant to be used generically to define relationships between older women and younger men. It is used to define relationships between older women who know their mind and are purposeful in choosing younger men…women of a certain age whose purposefulness in seeking younger men almost seems predatory – hence, cougar.
So let’s get specific here. Here are my top tips for those women who want to be cougars:
1) Prepare your mind and body for the role…
Take a good look at cougars- they aren’t out there in polyester leisure suits or mom jeans…they aren’t spending their days thinking about their next needlepoint project…oh no, they are mentally and physically primed for younger men. If you want to be a cougar you need to want, and be ready for, an active sex life and you have to be able to incite a like desire in your prey. This may mean you need to up your game.
Sexy up your look and attitude…exhibit the confidence you have in your sexuality…be confident in your ability to make young men crazy…bring your "A" game.
2) Finding good hunting grounds...
It has been my experience that cougars exude an attitude that draws their prey in regardless of the environment, but for first-timers some words of advice are required. If you are feeling your inner cougar but your cougar energy isn’t being acted upon, find a way to put your intent out there. These days the cougar label is fairly well-known. Don’t be afraid to say you are a cougar out loud…or at least say you are interested in dating younger men. If you are on the dating scene either face-to-face or online – throw it out there straight away…don’t hem and haw…don’t try and delicately reference it…call it out – trust me, it is almost universally well-received by younger men. Cougar hunting grounds are akin to the Field of Dreams…"if you build it, they will come." Your attitude sets the stage – put out the vibe and you will be amazed at the response – the cougar has a special allure to younger men whose sex drive is on overdrive.
3) Careful what you wish for…
Being a cougar is easiest when the focus is not on long-term relationships. If a long term relationship is what you are after you really need to say that up front and, depending upon your age difference, you need to consider whether you will both be able to satisfy each others’ life goals and timelines (i.e., does he want children, do you plan on retiring soon, etc.). Having walked this walk I encourage you to think long and hard about relationships that involve two folks in different stages of their lives.
Also, for those cougars with their feet squarely situated in the "just want to have fun" arena, be advised that young men can often find the freedom they feel with a cougar to be more alluring than dealing with a "real" relationship with someone closer to their own age. You may be romping along merrily when you hear the dreaded "L" word from your adorable playmate. Herein you have a responsibility to the younger man who apparently has taken quite seriously the fun you are having…your sex life should not result in emotional damage to others…in this one area the older needs to equate with the wiser.
The bottom line – the key to successful cougaring is expectation management. Both parties need to be on the same page and when there is an indication that they are not, it is up to the older of the two to deliver some level of clarity. With the label of cougar comes a responsibility to all other cougars that one act with some baseline standard of morality.
Now, for those men who are looking to be cougar prey a few advisements:
1) Smooth up your approach…
Even though cougars tend to be intently focused on the sex with younger men, sometimes younger men confuse this intent with an ability to shortcut even the most basic niceties of the mating dance. This is a rookie mistake. Smooth up your approach…show interest and let it evolve into what it will be over hours not minutes. If you approach a cougar straight out the gate and ask her if she would like to have sex with you, you are likely to experience a fairly profound strike-out. Now note, should you look like a Chippendale dancer and hit the right woman at the right time with the "just ask" approach you may be successful…but, most real men don’t look like Chippendale dancers.
2) Understand the playing field…
Assume nothing. While you need not spend too much time on your first or second interaction with a cougar defining expectations, it is important you do so before your interaction becomes a regular thing. A lot of emotion can be tied to sex – on both sides. Recognize your role in the expectation management piece mentioned above as well. Most cougars have no interest in long-term dalliances, but may expect you to be at least monogamous in the frame of a short-term dalliance. Plus, safe sex is an issue these days with STDs making a comeback with a vengeance – be ready to pony up on this front.
3) Don’t try and hold on to a cougar’s tail…
Cougars are, by their nature, not afraid to buck convention. They live in a place where their confidence and sense-of-self trumps others’ judgments of their choices. Don’t ever try and hold on to a cougar’s tail to keep her in one place – it is not only anti-cougar it is generally anti-all healthy relationships. Cougars stay because they are intrigued and entertained – keep your game fresh. Most cougars have been around enough to have learned some tricks – be prepared to teach them new tricks. A cougar’s mentality does not reside in the static experiences in life – it is on the edge and to keep a cougar happy keep reassessing the edge.
So there you have it – Cougar 101.
When it is all said and done, I will willingly acknowledge that age is decidedly relative. Some folks are just not meant to partner with folks their own age and that is okay – be it short-term or long-term. If your relationship (however you define that term) works well for you and your partner and no one is getting hurt then enjoy it and make no apologies – and don’t feel a need to wear any labels. Life is short and sometimes happiness can be found in unexpected places. ;-)
Day three hundred and seventy-two of the new forty – obla di obla da
Ms. C
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