Are cougars on the hunt in Singapore?

by Tan Yi Hui

 

 

A predatory woman on the prowl for fresh meat in the form of younger men - the cougar. It is a cliche about older women that has been given a new lease of life lately with television shows using it as a theme.

American TV reality dating show The Cougar aired on-demand on SingTel mio TV's Season Pass earlier this year, featuring 40-year-old blonde bombshell Stacey Anderson, a mother of four who has a group of 20-something men drooling over her.

And a sitcom called Cougar Town, starring Courtney Cox from Friends, hit screens in the United States recently. Cox plays a newly single middle-aged mum back on the dating scene.

So are there cougars on the hunt in Singapore? Couples here declare all that fuss and hype could not be further from the truth.

Experts tell LifeStyle that it is time to throw away these prejudices and stereotypes about older women and younger men.

Although a check with the Department of Statistics shows that the proportion of men marrying women six or more years older has held steady at an average of 2.1 per cent of total annual marriages over the last decade, experts say the trend is set to increase as society becomes more liberal.

And there is no 'predatory' issue involved at all, such couples say. What is more important are the relationship dynamics caused by the age gap.

Civil servant and mother-of-two Margaret Chee, 39 recalls having insecurity issues with her now husband, Anthony Lee, 33, a lawyer. The couple met 13 years ago when they were colleagues at the Ministry of Defence (Mindef).  She was a staff member, while he was doing national service.

They hit it off and he gave her moral and emotional support when she had to undergo surgery to remove an ovary because of a cyst.

When he went to law school, they felt insecure about the relationship. She says: 'He was six years younger than me. With so many young girls in school, there were always temptations.

'But I was at Mindef with mostly male colleagues, so he, too, had insecurities to the point of being possessive, asking me who I was out with. Sometimes I would cry over such arguments.'

The couple worked out their issues, recognising they were serious about each other and got to know each other's families. Ms Chee admits that their families were concerned about whether their relationship would work out, but ultimately all were supportive.

Despite cases like Ms Chee's, the older-woman-younger-man relationship is still seen as taboo by most people. Some couples LifeStyle contacted declined to be featured because of sensitivities.

Marketing executive Lara Tan, 24, says: 'I would not date younger guys because I find older men much more mature and attractive.'

A 20-something sales manager who wants to be known only as Dominic, says: 'I've dated women much older than me but I doubt it would work out in marriage where I'll have to answer to my family.'
So what is the fuss about?

Associate professor Tan Ern Ser, a sociologist from the National University of Singapore (NUS), says: 'We are still a patriarchal society, though less so than before.

'Men are expected to be the breadwinner, head of the household and authority figure in the family. Since these roles come with age, it seems logical for women to marry older men. Those who do otherwise are seen as deviating from the norm.'

Psychologist Daniel Koh says young children are taught to respect older women as mother figures. This affects how they base their values as adults, and to some, older women cannot be seen in a sexual light.
But experts point out that society here is expected to open up more to such marriages as people become more educated and liberal-minded.

Another NUS sociologist, Professor Jean Yeung, says that because of such changes, 'marriages become more individualistic. People are seeking gratifying relationships in a marriage'.

She adds: 'The increasing number of celebrities in popular culture who are in such relationships has likely reduced the stigma.'

At the end of the day, such couples may have a trump card over others.

Mr Ang Thiam Hong, psychotherapist and relationship coach at Edora Counselling Services, explains: 'The age gap may be positive as it serves as a natural motivation for the couple to tend more to their marriage, instead of neglecting it as many couples do over time.'

tanyihui@sph.com.sg
This article was first published in The Sunday Times.

Cougars and a women’s summit

Cougars and a women’s summit
From the PDI Column : At Large
By Rina Jimenez-David
Philippine Daily Inquirer
First Posted 00:49:00 10/18/2009


MANILA, Philippines-While “Cougartown,” the American TV show about a 40-something Courtney Cox and her adventures in search of younger men, has yet to air on Philippine TV, I’m already familiar with the term “cougar.” The context is a story in itself.
I was with some friends of long-standing, who shall remain nameless because one of them is a nun, joined by two of our daughters. We were having dinner at a very popular place, and so had to be seated outside in the corridor, frantically waving at servers to notice us. The waiter who finally did approach turned out to be a personable young man, clean-cut and pleasant of manner, and of course we were all much taken by him. I don’t know about my friends, but my sole aim was to introduce him to my daughter. And so I asked his name, what he did aside from serving (he turned out to be a graduate of a computer school), and if he had a girlfriend. (So sue me, I happen to be a very good journalist!)
Amid all this banter and back-and-forth between a group of 50-something women and a good-looking waiter, the young women at our table looked on horrified and too offended for words. “Mom,” said one of them who looked suspiciously like my daughter, “you’re such a cougar.” “A what?” I asked above the din in the corridor. “A cougar, an older woman who likes younger men.”
I didn’t get her because she pronounced “cougar” as “coo-ger,” and at first I thought she was calling me the stuff that comes out of one’s nose. A cougar is a wild animal that belongs to the cat family, but a “coo-ger” is apparently a woman past her prime who hunts for younger male prey. The analogy wasn’t lost on us, but no, we weren’t (and aren’t) desperate, lusty or frantically chasing time by lowering the average age of our sexual partners.
We were just having a good time.
* * *
BUT I can understand the dynamic. No longer are relationships supposed to follow a single pattern: older man (who is also richer, more powerful, more experienced, more “worldly”) and younger woman (economically dependent, vulnerable, virginal and innocent).
These days, relationships following the reverse order are all the rage: Courtney Cox herself and her hubby David Arquette who is seven years her junior; Kris Aquino and James Yap with nearly a decade between them; and of course the poster-couple of happy cougar-hood, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher.
There is even supposed to be a natural logic to all this, for as former Inquirer columnist (and incorrigible dirty old man) Larry Henares once put it: men hit their peak of sexual prowess from age 15 to their early 20s, while women’s sexuality peaks in their late 30s and 40s. Thus the most sexually compatible, not to mention sexually fulfilled, couples would be those of younger men with women at least two decades older than them.
I myself have nothing against cougars, except for the rather demeaning term. And if I were single, economically independent and reasonably fit, I can’t see any reason why I should be limiting my dating pool to men of my own age, when younger men are more energetic, genuinely attracted to my experience and worldliness, and willing to learn.
But I would guess that keeping up with a youthful partner can prove to be exhausting, as I’m sure men in their 50s and 60s with young trophy-wives who want to party after a long day can attest to.
In all probability, in fact, the newly empowered cougars the entertainment industry is so fascinated with could very well be the men’s discarded wives, who are finding themselves suddenly in fashion, suddenly desirable, and suddenly arm-in-arm with muscular studs and fresh-faced boylets.
There is justice in the gender wars, after all.

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