Are cougars on the hunt in Singapore?

by Tan Yi Hui

 

 

A predatory woman on the prowl for fresh meat in the form of younger men - the cougar. It is a cliche about older women that has been given a new lease of life lately with television shows using it as a theme.

American TV reality dating show The Cougar aired on-demand on SingTel mio TV's Season Pass earlier this year, featuring 40-year-old blonde bombshell Stacey Anderson, a mother of four who has a group of 20-something men drooling over her.

And a sitcom called Cougar Town, starring Courtney Cox from Friends, hit screens in the United States recently. Cox plays a newly single middle-aged mum back on the dating scene.

So are there cougars on the hunt in Singapore? Couples here declare all that fuss and hype could not be further from the truth.

Experts tell LifeStyle that it is time to throw away these prejudices and stereotypes about older women and younger men.

Although a check with the Department of Statistics shows that the proportion of men marrying women six or more years older has held steady at an average of 2.1 per cent of total annual marriages over the last decade, experts say the trend is set to increase as society becomes more liberal.

And there is no 'predatory' issue involved at all, such couples say. What is more important are the relationship dynamics caused by the age gap.

Civil servant and mother-of-two Margaret Chee, 39 recalls having insecurity issues with her now husband, Anthony Lee, 33, a lawyer. The couple met 13 years ago when they were colleagues at the Ministry of Defence (Mindef).  She was a staff member, while he was doing national service.

They hit it off and he gave her moral and emotional support when she had to undergo surgery to remove an ovary because of a cyst.

When he went to law school, they felt insecure about the relationship. She says: 'He was six years younger than me. With so many young girls in school, there were always temptations.

'But I was at Mindef with mostly male colleagues, so he, too, had insecurities to the point of being possessive, asking me who I was out with. Sometimes I would cry over such arguments.'

The couple worked out their issues, recognising they were serious about each other and got to know each other's families. Ms Chee admits that their families were concerned about whether their relationship would work out, but ultimately all were supportive.

Despite cases like Ms Chee's, the older-woman-younger-man relationship is still seen as taboo by most people. Some couples LifeStyle contacted declined to be featured because of sensitivities.

Marketing executive Lara Tan, 24, says: 'I would not date younger guys because I find older men much more mature and attractive.'

A 20-something sales manager who wants to be known only as Dominic, says: 'I've dated women much older than me but I doubt it would work out in marriage where I'll have to answer to my family.'
So what is the fuss about?

Associate professor Tan Ern Ser, a sociologist from the National University of Singapore (NUS), says: 'We are still a patriarchal society, though less so than before.

'Men are expected to be the breadwinner, head of the household and authority figure in the family. Since these roles come with age, it seems logical for women to marry older men. Those who do otherwise are seen as deviating from the norm.'

Psychologist Daniel Koh says young children are taught to respect older women as mother figures. This affects how they base their values as adults, and to some, older women cannot be seen in a sexual light.
But experts point out that society here is expected to open up more to such marriages as people become more educated and liberal-minded.

Another NUS sociologist, Professor Jean Yeung, says that because of such changes, 'marriages become more individualistic. People are seeking gratifying relationships in a marriage'.

She adds: 'The increasing number of celebrities in popular culture who are in such relationships has likely reduced the stigma.'

At the end of the day, such couples may have a trump card over others.

Mr Ang Thiam Hong, psychotherapist and relationship coach at Edora Counselling Services, explains: 'The age gap may be positive as it serves as a natural motivation for the couple to tend more to their marriage, instead of neglecting it as many couples do over time.'

tanyihui@sph.com.sg
This article was first published in The Sunday Times.